everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
