I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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