He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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