around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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