I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
splinters make it hard to masturbate
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize