ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
