I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
