The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
