I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
