Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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