In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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