I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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