at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
