Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
