saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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