I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
