Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
