my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
