My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
