that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
