Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize