Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
