Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We need to rekindle our bromance
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
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