when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Randomize
