I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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