Someone shit on the floor
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
