chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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