I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
