Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
