Cold hands, warm shart.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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