My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I could make wine with my vomit
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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