what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize