this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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