Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
