Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
