God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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