i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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