we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
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