I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize