"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
bring money and cleavage
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
