how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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