His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
