Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
