Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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