I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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