"it" just moved
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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