Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
