I love black thongs
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
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