New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
