I think I won the penis lottery.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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