"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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