he thought i was a dude.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
