Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
