He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
