1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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