The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize