my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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