can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize