dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
