i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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