I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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