At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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