i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
