Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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