If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Acid is not a monday night drug
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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