i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
