Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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