Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
